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Ten rules
for dating my daughter
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Rule One:
If you pull
into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not
touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you
do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware
that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please
don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to make sure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to
your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure
you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is
usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Screw
that. The only information I require from you, is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no
doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry, your body will never be found.
Rule Seven:
As you stand
in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a
process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
change the oil in my car.
Rule Eight:
The
following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie
to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I will know instantly if you are
lying. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do
not mess with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid.
Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face you see in the window is mine. If she
is the slightest bit damaged, you will be dead before you hit the
ground. Have a nice date....punk.
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